Here are my voter guidelines for Tuesday:

If you get a thrill up your leg every time you hear, “My mom was a teacher, my dad worked third shift,” please don’t vote.

If you think a violent protest is sexy, please don’t vote.

If you think blowing up a building is sexy, please don’t vote.

If you think you can attempt to assault someone and not expect your victim to try to defend himself, please don’t vote.

If you think lying on your resume is acceptable, please don’t vote.

If you’ve never really had a job in your adult life, please don’t vote.

If you’ve ever been delinquent on your taxes, please don’t vote.

If you are anti-police, please don’t vote.

If you believe accused criminals should not be required to pay bail, please don’t vote.

If you are wearing a mask as you read this, please don’t vote.

If you believe government can stop a virus, please don’t vote.

If you wear a mask while driving your car, please don’t vote.

If you wear a mask in your house, please don’t vote.

If you’ve ever told a person they should be wearing a mask, please don’t vote.

If you ever snitched on someone about a mask, please don’t vote.

If you prefer your child go to class at home, please don’t vote.

If you think parents have no say in school curricula, please don’t vote.

If you believe the WI National Guard shouldn’t be asked to respond to a cris for at least a few days, please don’t vote.

if you enjoy going to gas station, please don’t vote.

If you think abortion is a bigger mid-term priority than inflation, please don’t vote.

If you think abortion is a bigger mid-term priority than crime, please don’t vote.

If you think abortion is a bigger mid-term priority than illegal immigration,  please don’t vote.

If you adore Jill Biden’s wardrobe, please don’t vote.

If you can’t stand Elon Musk, please don’t vote.

If Jan 6 is more important to you than Dec 25, please don’t vote.

If you’ve ever tossed a brick, please don’t vote.

If you own a BLM T-shirt, please don’t vote.

If you picketed outside an elected official’s home, please don’t vote.

If you are making decisions based on the last ad you saw, please don’t vote.

If you are still undecided, please don’t vote.

If you like your taxes nice and high, please don’t vote.

If you detest billionaires, please don’t vote.

If you understood every sentence Joe Biden has said during the year, please don’t vote.

If you think you’re smarter than everyone else, please don’t vote.

If you don’t know the meaning of the word “peaceful,” please don’t vote.

If you believe every single immigrant is an upstanding individual, please don’t vote.

If you are in love with China, please don’t vote.

If you’re anti-Catholic, please don’t vote.

If you cry and scream easily, please don’t vote.

If you sleep in a basement, please don’t vote.

If you wake up outraged every morning, please don’t vote.

If you can’t stand the sight of a hat that’s red, please don’t vote.

If you like mandates and lockdowns, please don’t vote.

If you always do what the science tells you, please don’t vote.

If you have a subscription to the NY Times, please don’t vote.

If you watch MSNBC, please don’t vote.

If you stay up watching late night TV because you don’t have a job to get up for, please don’t vote.

If you couldn’t live without Starbucks, please don’t vote.

If you hate guns, please don’t vote.

If you’ve ever played the race card, please don’t vote.

If you are traumatized by hunting, please don’t vote.

If you oppose plastic straws and bags, please don’t vote.

If you shop at Penzeys, please don’t vote.

If you put ketchup on a brat, please don’t vote.