Culinary no-no #492

THERE ARE THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF  FOOD BLOGS, BUT ONLY ONE CULINARY NO-NO!

We’re going to begin with one of my all-time favorite Culinary no-no blogs, #63.

Let’s step into the Wayback machine…

https://static01.nyt.com/images/2014/03/09/arts/09SUBPEABODY1/09SUBPEABODY1-master675.jpg

And travel back to the summer of 2008:

In the broadcast business, it’s called a “tease.”

They are short promotional announcements designed to entice you to watch an upcoming program.

“WOMEN WHO HATE MEN, ON THE NEXT OPRAH!”

These teases can be extended to :30, packaged into an “update.”

Hmmmm.

I think I’ve seen that guy before.

Teasing is also done in the print business. This old cover of “Cosmopolitan” is loaded with teases, the “grabbers” that get your attention in the supermarket line.

Just about every publication uses this promotional tool on its cover. On a recent bookstore visit, I picked up this magazine specifically because of a tease on the cover. Note the second of three teases underneath the magazine title:

“The burger that will change your life.”

This, I thought, I gotta see.

With a billing like that, this burger has to be the most scrumptious epicurean delight ever made by human hands, so good that it was actually the food of choice that Eve used to tempt Adam.

The tease-writer was successful, I was hooked.

Trembling with excitement, I flipped the pages past one recipe after another until I came upon the burger that would change my life.

When I worked in broadcasting 24/7, a rule of thumb I tried to live by, especially when “teasing” was that if you promised something, you’d better deliver. For example, if you told your audience you had the top ten ways to get your wife to mow the lawn, you better have not 7 or 8 or 9 but the whole shooting match. (By the way, I never really worked on that story but if anyone has the specifics, could you e-mail me, please?)

So, no National Inquirer-type promos, the kind that have people scoffing, “C’mon, that’s ridiculous!”

Gourmet Magazine almost had me drooling a la Pavlov’s dog. The article hyped on the front page was about an Aussie Burger, referred to by a Gourmet Magazine food editor as “the ultimate,” and “awesome.”

She wrote about the “amazing toppings.” This ultimate, awesome amazing burger that would change my life has eggs, pineapple rings, and mounds of pickled beets.

There in the bookstore, clutching Gourmet Magazine, not in complete and utter disappointment, I hearkened back to the wise words of another food expert, “Fonzie” in “Happy Days.”

Fonzie once said that ketchup and ice cream, when they’ re apart are, well, AYYYYY, two thumbs up. But put them together? Thumbs down, baby.

Gourmet never truly makes the case why the Aussie Burger is a life-changing experience. Read the article that has a link to the recipe.

There are lots of ways to make a great burger. But it’s real easy to mess things up by overdoing in the hopes of building a quintessential masterpiece.

A Wisconsin State Journal columnist last week wrote about a New York Times piece on how the French have embraced the hamburger.

Doug Moe writes:

“According to the Times, one Paris restaurant makes its burger with pine nuts and thyme mixed into the meat, then places it  on a toasted whole-wheat English muffin. Another tops its burgers with slabs of foie gras, attened livers of a duck or goose.Yet another includes both mayonnaise and mustard on the same burger — and charges $56. The problem is summed up in this quote from one Paris chef: ‘The burger has become gastronomic.’ The next thing you know, they’ll use a knife and fork, and in fact many Parisians do when confronted with a burger.”

In his column, Moe writes about a GQ Magazine article from 2005, “The 20 Hamburgers You Must Eat Before You Die.”

One of their suggestions does look very appetizing, if not life-changing, the Rouge Burger from the Rouge in Philadelphia. Here it is:

Good meat, slathered in cheese, a toasted bun, some sides like tomato and lettuce. How can you go wrong? Imagine you’re having a backyard cookout, you invite lots of friends over, and you’re grilling burgers. For a great party, you make sure you’ve got cheese, onions, pickles, ketchup, mustard, mayo, etc. so your guests have plenty of choices to make a great burger. You don’t need pickled beets and pineapple rings and brussels sprouts. Of course not. Classic burgers with classic combinations.

But is that really good enough?

Not if you ask chef Nancy Silverton, the co-founder of Campanile restaurant and La Brea Bakery in Los Angeles. When you find out how she throws a burger cookout, you’re going to feel mighty inadequate.

The LA Times tagged along at one of Silverton’s soirees to carefully observe how an expert prepares what she considers the perfect burger.

Silverton lights her barbecue pit at 8:00 a.m. with a fire made from almond wood (Kingsford doesn’t make that stuff, do they?). When her guests arrive in the middle of the day, the toppings are ready and buns are sliced.

The bun. No fancy, schmancy 12-grain deal. Pita bread? Are you crazy? Just the time-honored, soft variety.

The key is the ratio of bun to meat. It has to be 50-50 so you can avoid…

The toppings must be traditional, no foie-gras!

Ketchup is good. But is that good enough?

No, Silverton insists on Heinz ketchup.

Mayo, you’ve got to have mayo, but is having mayo good enough?

Best Foods Mayo if you’re in the western part of the country, Hellman’s in our neck of the woods.

Ok, you’ve got the Hellman’s. Is that good enough?

Nope.

Silverton likes to serve the mayo three ways: plain, mixed up with chiles and a third with garlic and tapenade.

Mustard? Are you kidding me? Gotta have mustard! Dijon mustard. Is that good enough?

Well…no.

You must have two types of Dijon, plain and whole grain.

Lettuce, there must be lettuce. Will any lettuce do?

Umm, no.

It must be iceberg, one crisp leaf per person.

Onions. God, I love onions on a burger. Silverton advises one full slice of red onion per person.

Ok, I can handle that. Red onions. Is that good enough? One slice of red onion per person?

You’ve detected a pattern here, haven’t you..

NO, that’s not good enough silly! You have to salt and pepper the onions.

Make sure there’s the Mezzetta brand of Tuscan Pepperoncini as well.

Did we forget anything?

Yeh, we did.

Tomatoes. Brandywines, Russians, Beefsteak.

Silverton includes avocados with her toppings, recommending they be sliced thickly.

Bacon. Oh, yes! Applewood-smoked and not crispy. Is that good enough? I don’t let the bacon get crispy. Check.

No. Two pieces of bacon per guest (because people snitch).

If you’re not yelling at the computer screen by now, you should be.

CHEESE, WE MUST HAVE CHEESE!

I’ll just serve good ol’ American and that’ll be okay, right?

Negative!

Three cheeses if you pleases: blue, cheddar and Gruyere.

Any brand?

No.

Point Reyes blue, Grafton cheddar and cave-aged Gruyere.

OK, you’ve hunted and searched for all three. Is that good enough, chef Silverton?

No.

Crumble the blue. Ditto for the cheddar. Sprinkle the crumbles and delight as they ooze and melt.

Do you crumble the Gruyere, too?

Are you from Wisconsin or not?

No you don’t crumble the Gruyere, you fool! You serve that in slices or risk being a total failure.

The meat. Very important.

Get up early. Go to the butcher the day of the cookout.

Order whole prime chuck ground with 13% sirloin fat added by weight.

Back home, the patties formed will be 8 ounces each, two inches thick.

Fire it up
Beatrice de Gea / Los Angeles Times

FIRE IT UP: Silverton tops patties, made of beef with at least 20% to 28% fat, with crumbled chunks of blue cheese, left, and cheddar. “With lean meat,” she says, “the burgers don’t hold together.”

Regular salt?

No way.

Kosher salt.

The result?

Top this
Beatrice de Gea / Los Angeles Times
TOP THIS: The hamburger according to Silverton stars fat-enriched, coarse-ground prime chuck that’s seasoned generously and handled gently.

Feeling inadequate?

Silverton does throw a helluva party.

But you’ll probably never have her over anyway.

It’s easy and wrong to overdo it and be too creative with a burger. Silverton, one could argue, also overdoes it. But she overdoes it in so many really goooooooooood ways.

The perfect burger?

What’s been the recurring theme here?

No.

There is no such creation as the perfect burger.

But Silverton comes pretty darn close.
—This Just In, July 20, 2008

More than eight (8) years later comes another attempt to convince consumers that this is the ultimate burger (Note they didn’t use the word “perfect”).

From around Labor Day this year, I spotted more than one no-no in this piece in Wine Enthusiast. Take a look.

CULINARY NO-NO BONUS

MUST READ:  One of the worst of the year

 

One thought on “Culinary no-no #492

  1. Pingback: UPDATE: Culinary no-no #492 | This Just In… From Franklin, WI

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